With San Diego Comic-Con wrapping up yesterday, I figured it would be time to toss out a few real world, parental applications for some of the gadgets I’ve been seeing in comics since the second grade (and even earlier on TV). To set a few parameters, I’m keeping these solely to human inventions. That might not seem like a big distinction to people unfamiliar with comics, but if I opened this up to everything in the pages of comics, it would have just one item: a Green Lantern ring. That sounds like kind of a dull idea to me, so I’m working within some limits. Let’s hop on in!

SANDMAN’S GAS GUNAssuming it’s got no side effects–and we’d expect nothing less of brilliant golden age inventor Wesley Dodds, better known to the world as Sandman–I don’t think there’s a parent in the world who wouldn’t mind a little back up when the kid’s screaming so loud her face is turning purple. Even if it weren’t safe for the kid, maybe mom and dad could point the knockout gas gun at themselves and finally get a solid nap.

SPIDER-MAN’S WEBSHOOTERSNot a day goes by that I don’t wish I had Peter Parker’s most ingenious invention. In the world of Spider-Man, he built a super strong web fluid that can shoot webs he uses to swing around the city. Sure, it would be cool to websling around town, though it would be a little difficult where I live as there aren’t too many tall buildings. What I really wish I had the webshooters for is to grab things just out of reach around the house. I constantly find myself sitting somewhere, holding the baby and needing to grab a pacifier halfway across the room. Webshooters would be a fantastic fix, but I think it would make a mess of our place.

MR. TERRIFIC’S T-SPHERESA member of the Justice Society of America, Mr. Terrific is a super genius with 14 PhDs and Olympic gold medals. He uses his mental and physical skills to help people all over, but the tech he built that would be a lifesaver for me and other stay at home parents is the T-Sphere–a floating spherical, voice actived computer that also throws out holograms to look at. That would definitely solve the “not enough hands” part of being a dad and a  writer. I’d also use one as a baby monitor and maybe have it do my grocery shopping.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS’ ARMSIf the T-Spheres don’t work out, I could definitely do with Doc Ock’s extra metal appendages. Who wouldn’t want another pair of arms or two? I’d probably trade the crazy metal claws with more human like hands so I could type and also cover them in something fluffy so as to not accidentally bonk the baby. I’d also prefer the kind that don’t bond to your skin and make you go insane.

BATMAN’S UTILITY BELTOh man, if I ha a utility belt like Batman’s I wouldn’t have to worry about carrying around a diaper bag. Instead of carrying tear gas pellets or shark repellant, I’d keep wipes, extra diapers, pacifiers and milk in there, but also probably a batarang or two just for funsies!